HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, and often found alongside the sickle in the club banners of countries with firm ideas on government, the hammer is now used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts right beside the object you are trying to hit. Alternately the hammer (and it's larger cousin, the sledgehammer or B.F.H.) can be used to devise a way to get to visit that cute little nurse down at the local A&E department.

STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of the cardboard carton delivered, at great expense, to your workshop; works particularly well on boxes containing fairing panels, expensive seats and/or a lone bottle of battery acid.

ELECTRIC DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until the Stupidity Police come to take you away; it also works great for drilling mounting holes in custom fenders and straight through that new £200 rear tire.

OXY TORCH: Used almost entirely for finding various flammable objects in your garage. Also handy for firing off the two remaining explosive atoms left in that holed petrol tank you've been soaking in water for six months. Alternately can be used to set your moustache on fire while lighting cigarettes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching that flat metal bar out of the bloody mess that was your hand, so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE BENCH WHEEL/BUFFER: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them around the workshop at the speed of light miraculously smashing them straight into what ever breakable item is either the most expensive or the hardest to replace. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Fuuu...!"

HYDRAULIC JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disc pads, trapping the jack handle firmly between the (now dented) custom fender the (now cracked) alloy wheel.

2”x4” TIMBER: Used for trying to lever a motorcycle off a hydraulic jack. It is quite useful for pinching holes in oil lines during this process and then concealing that fact until you have ridden 50 miles from home.

TWEEZERS: A tool for pushing splinters from 2”x4” timber, deeper into your hand.

PHONE: A tool for renewing your medical insurance and then calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic jack.

GASKET SCRAPER: Useful as a breakfast tool for spreading butter on toast; and for getting dog sh!t off your boot. Does not require washing.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in boltholes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. Always two sizes larger than the label says it is.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating burred screws, and the futility of ever getting the timing anywhere near factory specs. Useful for sticking in your mouth late at night and permanently traumatizing any small child that mistakenly wanders into the workshop.

ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of the battery cables and oil lines you have forgotten to disconnect.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a bike battery to the inside of your toolbox, and down the inner thigh of your new jeans, after determining that your battery is dead just as you thought.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago, by an apprentice in Milwaukee, and either rounds them off or removes the bolt head entirely, depending on your perseverance.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses a half-inch too short.

TOOL BOX: A magic contraption for storing tools that only lets you find the tool you were looking for yesterday, never the one you are looking for today, unless of course you just bought another one to get the job done. If so, when you go to store the new one in your tool box you will find the old one sitting right on top like a cherry on a chocolate sundae.

OPEN END SPANNER: A tool designed to slip off of a nut once maximum force is applied, so that your knuckles are travelling at top speed when they impact sharp metal edges. This has the added benefit of greatly increasing your ability to curse fluently.

TORQUE WRENCH: A tool that lets you know how much force it took to twist the head off of a bolt.

PUNCH/CHISEL: A tool designed to gently guide your fingers directly into the path of a ball-peen hammer.

PMSL.



Very good.

Oh so true .... So true

Cheers Womble, this is the week I start to strip the Kwak for a complete re build... Perfect timing mate

Nate

When i was out in france earlier this year I offered to strip a kwak but she said she was quite able to strip her self & if i tried she was going to rearrange plumbing.

At least i think that is what she said I dont speak french but what ever she said I think she meant it

Excellent!

Thought I might post my list cos I think it covers anything you may have missed.........


Tools

AIR COMPRESSOR - A machine that takes power from an oil-fired power station 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago in Birmingham and rounds them right off.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER - A handy device for transferring sulphuric acid from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after verifying that your battery is deader than a doughnut, just like you thought.
E-Z OUT (BOLT & STUD EXTRACTOR) - A tool that snaps off in threaded holes and is 10 times harder than any known drill bit.
HACKSAW - One of a family of cutting tools based on the Ouija Board Principle: It takes human energy into a crooked unpredictable motion, the more you try to influence it's course, the more dismal your future becomes.
HAMMER - Formerly a weapon of war, this device is now used to locate expensive pieces and body parts near the object we were trying to hit.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER - Traditionally used to stab the lids on old style paper and tin oil cans in order to splash and ruin our favourite shirts, this device is now relegated to rounding heads on Phillips screws.
PLIERS - Used to round off bolt heads.
MOLE GRIPS - Used to round off bolt heads when pliers won’t do the trick. Also used to transfer the intense heat of welding to the palm of your hand.
SCREWDRIVER - Used to open beverage containers, can also serve as a chisel. Works well for removing skin from hand as well as making random gouges in other things.
WIRE WHEEL - Cleans rust and corrosion from old bolts and flings them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also good for removing fingerprints (from fingers).

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilot Report: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

Solution Recorded: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.



Pilot Report: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

Solution Recorded: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



Pilot Report: Something loose in cockpit.

Solution Recorded: Something tightened in cockpit.



Pilot Report: Dead bugs on windshield.

Solution Recorded: Live bugs on back-order.


Pilot Report: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

Solution Recorded: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


Pilot Report: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

Solution Recorded: Evidence removed.


Pilot Report: DME volume unbelievably loud.

Solution Recorded: DME volume set to more believable level.



Pilot Report: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Solution Recorded: That's what they're there for.



Pilot Report: IFF inoperative.

Solution Recorded: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



Pilot Report: Suspected crack in windshield.

Solution Recorded: Suspect you're right.



Pilot Report: Number 3 engine missing.

Solution Recorded: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



Pilot Report: Aircraft handles funny.

Solution Recorded: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



Pilot Report: Target radar hums.

Solution Recorded: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



Pilot Report: Mouse in cockpit.

Solution Recorded: Cat installed.



Pilot Report: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

Solution Recorded: Took hammer away from midget.